Let me give you something positive to leave with:
I am still just...dumbfounded? dazed? astounded? amazed? (pick your favorite) by what I've found with Henry. I can't describe it, because I don't have anything to honestly compare it to. I finally adjusted to hearing--and even USING--the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend."
When I was much younger, when I still believed in fairy tales and happily ever after, I used to dream about what the perfect man would be like. Now, everyone knows that my imagination is wildly overactive and sometimes blatantly obnoxious, but in this area, my imagination failed me. Dreadfully. I no longer believe in a "perfect man," but.. this guy is really changing a lot of things I thought I believed. He's been doing it for a long time, and so subtly that I didn't notice for a very long time. I keep catching myself daydreaming about things I haven't bothered daydreaming since I was in JUNIOR HIGH. I used to catch myself doing it and jerk my thoughts away. Tell myself, "What the HELL was THAT!?" Because that's just setting yourself up for disappointment. It was startling at first.
In the last three or four months, though, I just don't have it in me. More and more, the optimism and enthusiasm wriggles its way into my thoughts and I just let them stay there. I am comfortable here now. I'm not afraid to dream about it anymore, and I'm slowly learning how to pursue it. It's so easy. Nothing has ever made me feel so peaceful. He walks in and suddenly calm. Quiet. Stillness. Warmth. I don't have to be anything other than me, and I don't want anything other than him. This I would do anything an everything to nurture and preserve. Ironically enough, I haven't really had to do anything. Did I say I didn't believe in perfect? I may have just been saying that... because I'm having a really, really hard time imagining anything closer than this.
I get excited over stupid things I never thought to notice before. I got really excited when I got a key to his apartment. I played it cool, this was the logical solution, right? But inwardly I was as giddy as it gets. So many NEW experiences with him. Get this: I ENJOYED my Valentine's Day. I was really excited for it, and for the first time ever, I was not let down! I let myself give in to all the squishy, cliche Valentine's Day-isms and was not disappointed by his reaction. I was--again--mildly astonished at everything. He finally asked to meet my girls. He's mentioned it a few times before, but never really asked before this.
It took a while to sink in. It's just so hard to imagine, even now. And It set my mind to churning. As wonderful as everything is with him, I found myself sitting back and evaluating it anyway this weekend. I don't want to take something like this for granted, and despite the enthusiasm, doubt still works its way in sometimes. There's always the thing with his family. And what about me? I've had so much going on during all this time, and still have so much ahead of me, are things REALLY this awesome or am I just comforted by him? Is he just my escape? Do I really love HIM or is it the IDEA of him that I'm in love with? I mean, we don't spend time together throughout the week and don't text or call each other like other couples would do... And I really took time to dissect this. For all of maybe 4 minutes, because I could immediately think of countless reasons why it was definitely not the idea and was, in fact, the person. This is exactly the way it's supposed to be. I think that's why I always had such a hard time imagining it, I'd never seen anything so healthy, simple, perfect as this. But, by god, I know it when I see it!
I think what's got me wigging out is the thought of him meeting the girls. Until I get moved in to my own place and things settle down, I feel so powerless. I feel out of control of so many things until I get it all tacked back down. To do something like this, such an important step for me, when I'm in such a state of mind, I'm afraid I won't be able to enjoy it. And what if something goes wrong? I'm not in the best shape to deal with it because I'm already nervous, and if I'm already nervous and everything else around me is not reliable... it's a quickly compounding problem. I'm afraid is all. But when I sit here and actually think about it, I feel silly for that, too. I'm so proud of my children, and in love with being a mom. They come before everyone, this should have happened sooner. It will go just fine, no matter what happens. The two loves of my life meeting, that can't be a bad thing, right? We'll see!
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Several Sundays in the hole...
The last few months have been a personal hell. Had to move back in with my mother, my ex decided that he wasn't satisfied with a life of little drama so he sued me, my unemployment got denied (they think?) and everything went batshit crazy for a while. I only managed to keep it together because I knew my tax check would be coming and because my friend and classmate Judy has let me stay at her place until I get settled in.
The good news is that I have an apartment as of April 1st and the girls start at their permanent daycare/preschool this week. I'm going to get my child support case moved to Allen County and correct Wabash County's consistent bullshit. The best news: I discovered that I can perform massage therapy, make money for it, and have it be perfectly legal before I graduate. So that's the game plan.
With all that out of the way, I'm moving on to this weird state of mind I'm in. I've been pretty emotionally and mentally unstable the last year and a half, and especially the last year. Life is harder than it has any right being, and I wonder why it is this way. There are so many layers, loopholes, pitfalls, and dead ends that it's a wonder any of us ever come out ahead if we weren't already born that way. And that's if you don't succumb to the other PEOPLE bent on ravaging you; taking you for what they can get! I've had it easy compared to some of these wretched souls; but I'm damned certain if I'd had to deal with anything else, I would have snapped and everything that I worked so obsessively, desperately for would have unraveled. I would have died inside and watched my dreams turn to reeking, festering shit. As it is, I feel like what's left of my soul has been whittled away to just the ghost of something that used to be immense.
I've been bitter lately. All the struggles of the last few years have been resurfacing and taunting me. They've forced me to re-evaluate so much that I've taken for granted and assumed about myself. I can think of so many times I have used massive amounts of self control, turned my cheek, held my tongue, been the adult and taken the high road when others have wronged me. I have been deeply wronged at times, and still never did anything wrong back. Two wrongs don't make a right, right? Stooping to that level only brings you down. Right? It takes a bigger person to forgive and let it go than to perpetuate drama. Hating someone is like drinking poison and hoping the other person gets sick. There are two wolves battling inside each of us, the wolf that you feed is the wolf that wins. So why is it, that when I live this way as if it's the truth, WHY am I repeatedly wronged? And why do I keep choking up this same malignant bitterness when I'm doing what I've always thought was right?
I finally realized it was because some things couldn't be forgiven. Some things are so wrong that no amount of wisdom, perspective, or time can ever make them forgivable. Here's an observation I've been pondering on lately: why is it so much easier for me to stick up for others than it is for myself? Why the fuck do I never stick up for myself? Is it really because I feel like I'm being mature; or it it because I'm afraid of confrontation?
It has been a year, and I still can't talk about Robby. I worked really hard to forgive that classy shitbag. I thought I had. Then suddenly I was faced with the thought of having to face him to repay the loan. The thought is repugnant to me. I'm not afraid of it. I'm not hurt by the idea. It's absolutely repulsive. The thought of dropping a check off at his house is even worse. I'd sooner burn the bitch down. That's definitely not sane, right? The same shrieking, blood curdling sensation possesses me when I see a house centipede: KILL IT WITH FIRE!! I can't logic my way out of that mess, so it's best to just avoid it. I mailed him a check. I sent it out with four other checks. Guess who didn't get theirs. -.- Fuck. Me. Freddy. Guess what else. It costs $30 to cancel a check. So, his unfathomable solution was to have me drop off the money when no one was there. AS IF I would enjoy stopping by any more than he would enjoy seeing me. I lost patience today after the phone call to my bank. This is ridiculous. This is his money. I've tried multiple times to get it to him. I'm not sneaking to his mailbox when no one is home to repay a debt, when seeing that house might bring up memories that I have carefully, intentionally suffocated. Gross. Worse than zombies. No one ever wronged me so sharply as he did. I'm going to his bank to deposit this money. Either it will work, or it'll be a "fuck you, buddy, if you want it come get it."
I finally accepted that I can't forgive him. I finally realized it doesn't make me less of a person. What if it was someone else? Would I understand it then? What he did to me, if he had done it to anyone else, I really wouldn't have forgiven it. And I wouldn't feel remotely remorseful. That he did it to me actually makes it worse, because I'd thought of him as a dear friend from age 17. He knowingly damaged someone who was wholly vulnerable and unconditionally trusting of him. Gross. I've stepped in dog shit with more soul than that. As far as I can tell, I'll always feel that way, and I think I'm finally okay with that.
Ploughe? I'll never get those 4 years back. I'm not going to post a synopsis of it for the internet, but that's one thing I have grown to regret. At first, I didn't. I was bigger than that. But so many things have happened, so many things he has done to be sure I regret it. I'm finally seeing the monster he always said he was. There's another edge on this sword as well: since it can't be undone, I am judged by it. Since I took the high road and didn't broadcast to the entire world, didn't throw myself into the dramatic finale and froth up a spectacle for all to see... few even know what happened. I am a divorcee. His tantrums have cost me quite a bit and I will not tolerate the baby-daddy drama for much longer. I have a life to see to. That was never a marriage, not from the start. The man never knew how to love. I could forgive it if he had any kind of conscience for the woman he screwed over and the kids who are being cheated because of his games. I could forgive him if he was any kind of a man, but he's not. So I won't. There's no pity left in me for him now, and I'm finally okay with that, too.
A few months back I realized that there's one other person that I can't forgive. I looked at myself and looked at my daughter, we are the exact ages now as they and I were then. The thought of containing that kind of rage toward my daughter, so innocent. So beautiful. So fragile, intelligent, dependent, so full of wonder, trust and awe for me... I had come full circle and when I imagined being in his shoes, I wanted nothing more than to light him on fire, too. Even if he has changed. He never once apologized. He never once admitted he ever did anything wrong, out of line. He desn't care if I come around or not, so if he doesn't ask for forgiveness, why should I so deeply trouble myself to give it to him? That means I have to forfeit several people that we important to me at one time or another. And you know what? I'm okay with all of this, too.
I love that Cherokee fable, the Tale of Two Wolves:
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
I have finally realized, though, that this is Yin and Yang. To quote the Lord of Darkness, "You think you have won! What is light without dark? What are you without me? I am a part of you all. You can never defeat me. We are brothers eternal!" I will never be able to banish the "evil" wolf. He will always be there, because that is the nature of humans. None of us may ever be perfect. A shift in perspective will reveal flaws; and if I ever feel that I am faultless, that is arrogance. You can't have one without the other, within them both is the seed of the other. So the dark wolf has won some scraps and guards them fiercely. So what? The more I struggle to retrieve them--the more I try to force myself to forgive these wrongs--the more I keep losing more that feeds him. I'll let him have these little bits and focus instead on the positive. There is much work ahead of me, and they are most certainly not worth the energy I've been wasting on the matter.
A dear friend was admitted to the hospital today. I haven't made enough time to tend important friendships lately. I haven't yet made a New Year's resolution. That will be it. I don't care about how fat I'm getting, I lost track of all the things I've got on my plate to work on, I don't really need much more character development at the moment... I've been saving it for something that felt right. This is it. My life is changing. I felt that transition begin, my new life has started. It's just in its very first moments, but I can already feel myself leaving the past behind as the road ahead of me inclines and brightens. I'll be climbing to new heights and leaving behind the majority of the baggage I've always had. There are some people I won't be letting go of, though; and my resolution is to strengthen those bonds.
I no longer feel doomed. The hard work isn't over yet, there are still months of stress ahead, but by this fall things will be drastically different. This knowledge is enough to calm something in me that has always been baying in fear. Soon I will be sailing a completely unknown sea. It will be a lifestyle I've only recently discovered, that has always been just out of my reach. In the months left, I will be focusing on strengthening my important friendships, strengthening the traits I'll need to sustain my chosen lifestyle (self-discipline, responsibility, reliability, organization, love, love, love..), and settling the debts of the past so I can settle into drifting this new life I have worked for so long to have.
The good news is that I have an apartment as of April 1st and the girls start at their permanent daycare/preschool this week. I'm going to get my child support case moved to Allen County and correct Wabash County's consistent bullshit. The best news: I discovered that I can perform massage therapy, make money for it, and have it be perfectly legal before I graduate. So that's the game plan.
With all that out of the way, I'm moving on to this weird state of mind I'm in. I've been pretty emotionally and mentally unstable the last year and a half, and especially the last year. Life is harder than it has any right being, and I wonder why it is this way. There are so many layers, loopholes, pitfalls, and dead ends that it's a wonder any of us ever come out ahead if we weren't already born that way. And that's if you don't succumb to the other PEOPLE bent on ravaging you; taking you for what they can get! I've had it easy compared to some of these wretched souls; but I'm damned certain if I'd had to deal with anything else, I would have snapped and everything that I worked so obsessively, desperately for would have unraveled. I would have died inside and watched my dreams turn to reeking, festering shit. As it is, I feel like what's left of my soul has been whittled away to just the ghost of something that used to be immense.
I've been bitter lately. All the struggles of the last few years have been resurfacing and taunting me. They've forced me to re-evaluate so much that I've taken for granted and assumed about myself. I can think of so many times I have used massive amounts of self control, turned my cheek, held my tongue, been the adult and taken the high road when others have wronged me. I have been deeply wronged at times, and still never did anything wrong back. Two wrongs don't make a right, right? Stooping to that level only brings you down. Right? It takes a bigger person to forgive and let it go than to perpetuate drama. Hating someone is like drinking poison and hoping the other person gets sick. There are two wolves battling inside each of us, the wolf that you feed is the wolf that wins. So why is it, that when I live this way as if it's the truth, WHY am I repeatedly wronged? And why do I keep choking up this same malignant bitterness when I'm doing what I've always thought was right?
I finally realized it was because some things couldn't be forgiven. Some things are so wrong that no amount of wisdom, perspective, or time can ever make them forgivable. Here's an observation I've been pondering on lately: why is it so much easier for me to stick up for others than it is for myself? Why the fuck do I never stick up for myself? Is it really because I feel like I'm being mature; or it it because I'm afraid of confrontation?
It has been a year, and I still can't talk about Robby. I worked really hard to forgive that classy shitbag. I thought I had. Then suddenly I was faced with the thought of having to face him to repay the loan. The thought is repugnant to me. I'm not afraid of it. I'm not hurt by the idea. It's absolutely repulsive. The thought of dropping a check off at his house is even worse. I'd sooner burn the bitch down. That's definitely not sane, right? The same shrieking, blood curdling sensation possesses me when I see a house centipede: KILL IT WITH FIRE!! I can't logic my way out of that mess, so it's best to just avoid it. I mailed him a check. I sent it out with four other checks. Guess who didn't get theirs. -.- Fuck. Me. Freddy. Guess what else. It costs $30 to cancel a check. So, his unfathomable solution was to have me drop off the money when no one was there. AS IF I would enjoy stopping by any more than he would enjoy seeing me. I lost patience today after the phone call to my bank. This is ridiculous. This is his money. I've tried multiple times to get it to him. I'm not sneaking to his mailbox when no one is home to repay a debt, when seeing that house might bring up memories that I have carefully, intentionally suffocated. Gross. Worse than zombies. No one ever wronged me so sharply as he did. I'm going to his bank to deposit this money. Either it will work, or it'll be a "fuck you, buddy, if you want it come get it."
I finally accepted that I can't forgive him. I finally realized it doesn't make me less of a person. What if it was someone else? Would I understand it then? What he did to me, if he had done it to anyone else, I really wouldn't have forgiven it. And I wouldn't feel remotely remorseful. That he did it to me actually makes it worse, because I'd thought of him as a dear friend from age 17. He knowingly damaged someone who was wholly vulnerable and unconditionally trusting of him. Gross. I've stepped in dog shit with more soul than that. As far as I can tell, I'll always feel that way, and I think I'm finally okay with that.
Ploughe? I'll never get those 4 years back. I'm not going to post a synopsis of it for the internet, but that's one thing I have grown to regret. At first, I didn't. I was bigger than that. But so many things have happened, so many things he has done to be sure I regret it. I'm finally seeing the monster he always said he was. There's another edge on this sword as well: since it can't be undone, I am judged by it. Since I took the high road and didn't broadcast to the entire world, didn't throw myself into the dramatic finale and froth up a spectacle for all to see... few even know what happened. I am a divorcee. His tantrums have cost me quite a bit and I will not tolerate the baby-daddy drama for much longer. I have a life to see to. That was never a marriage, not from the start. The man never knew how to love. I could forgive it if he had any kind of conscience for the woman he screwed over and the kids who are being cheated because of his games. I could forgive him if he was any kind of a man, but he's not. So I won't. There's no pity left in me for him now, and I'm finally okay with that, too.
A few months back I realized that there's one other person that I can't forgive. I looked at myself and looked at my daughter, we are the exact ages now as they and I were then. The thought of containing that kind of rage toward my daughter, so innocent. So beautiful. So fragile, intelligent, dependent, so full of wonder, trust and awe for me... I had come full circle and when I imagined being in his shoes, I wanted nothing more than to light him on fire, too. Even if he has changed. He never once apologized. He never once admitted he ever did anything wrong, out of line. He desn't care if I come around or not, so if he doesn't ask for forgiveness, why should I so deeply trouble myself to give it to him? That means I have to forfeit several people that we important to me at one time or another. And you know what? I'm okay with all of this, too.
I love that Cherokee fable, the Tale of Two Wolves:
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
I have finally realized, though, that this is Yin and Yang. To quote the Lord of Darkness, "You think you have won! What is light without dark? What are you without me? I am a part of you all. You can never defeat me. We are brothers eternal!" I will never be able to banish the "evil" wolf. He will always be there, because that is the nature of humans. None of us may ever be perfect. A shift in perspective will reveal flaws; and if I ever feel that I am faultless, that is arrogance. You can't have one without the other, within them both is the seed of the other. So the dark wolf has won some scraps and guards them fiercely. So what? The more I struggle to retrieve them--the more I try to force myself to forgive these wrongs--the more I keep losing more that feeds him. I'll let him have these little bits and focus instead on the positive. There is much work ahead of me, and they are most certainly not worth the energy I've been wasting on the matter.
A dear friend was admitted to the hospital today. I haven't made enough time to tend important friendships lately. I haven't yet made a New Year's resolution. That will be it. I don't care about how fat I'm getting, I lost track of all the things I've got on my plate to work on, I don't really need much more character development at the moment... I've been saving it for something that felt right. This is it. My life is changing. I felt that transition begin, my new life has started. It's just in its very first moments, but I can already feel myself leaving the past behind as the road ahead of me inclines and brightens. I'll be climbing to new heights and leaving behind the majority of the baggage I've always had. There are some people I won't be letting go of, though; and my resolution is to strengthen those bonds.
I no longer feel doomed. The hard work isn't over yet, there are still months of stress ahead, but by this fall things will be drastically different. This knowledge is enough to calm something in me that has always been baying in fear. Soon I will be sailing a completely unknown sea. It will be a lifestyle I've only recently discovered, that has always been just out of my reach. In the months left, I will be focusing on strengthening my important friendships, strengthening the traits I'll need to sustain my chosen lifestyle (self-discipline, responsibility, reliability, organization, love, love, love..), and settling the debts of the past so I can settle into drifting this new life I have worked for so long to have.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)