Sorry, that was a hot mess..

Let me give you something positive to leave with:

I am still just...dumbfounded?  dazed?  astounded?  amazed? (pick your favorite) by what I've found with Henry.  I can't describe it, because I don't have anything to honestly compare it to.  I finally adjusted to hearing--and even USING--the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." 

When I was much younger, when I still believed in fairy tales and happily ever after, I used to dream about what the perfect man would be like.  Now, everyone knows that my imagination is wildly overactive and sometimes blatantly obnoxious, but in this area, my imagination failed me.  Dreadfully.  I no longer believe in a "perfect man," but.. this guy is really changing a lot of things I thought I believed.  He's been doing it for a long time, and so subtly that I didn't notice for a very long time.  I keep catching myself daydreaming about things I haven't bothered daydreaming since I was in JUNIOR HIGH.  I used to catch myself doing it and jerk my thoughts away.  Tell myself, "What the HELL was THAT!?" Because that's just setting yourself up for disappointment.  It was startling at first. 

In the last three or four months, though, I just don't have it in me.  More and more, the optimism and enthusiasm wriggles its way into my thoughts and I just let them stay there.  I am comfortable here now.  I'm not afraid to dream about it anymore, and I'm slowly learning how to pursue it.  It's so easy.  Nothing has ever made me feel so peaceful.   He walks in and suddenly calm.  Quiet.  Stillness.  Warmth.  I don't have to be anything other than me, and I don't want anything other than him.  This I would do anything an everything to nurture and preserve.  Ironically enough, I haven't really had to do anything.  Did I say I didn't believe in perfect?  I may have just been saying that... because I'm having a really, really hard time imagining anything closer than this.

I get excited over stupid things I never thought to notice before.  I got really excited when I got a key to his apartment.  I played it cool, this was the logical solution, right?  But inwardly I was as giddy as it gets.  So many NEW experiences with him.  Get this:  I ENJOYED my Valentine's Day.  I was really excited for it, and for the first time ever, I was not let down!  I let myself give in to all the squishy, cliche Valentine's Day-isms and was not disappointed by his reaction.  I was--again--mildly astonished at everything.    He finally asked to meet my girls.  He's mentioned it a few times before, but never really asked before this. 

It took a while to sink in.  It's just so hard to imagine, even now.  And It set my mind to churning.  As wonderful as everything is with him, I found myself sitting back and evaluating it anyway this weekend.  I don't want to take something like this for granted, and despite the enthusiasm, doubt still works its way in sometimes.  There's always the thing with his family.  And what about me?  I've had so much going on during all this time, and still have so much ahead of me, are things REALLY this awesome or am I just comforted by him?  Is he just my escape?  Do I really love HIM or is it the IDEA of him that I'm in love with?  I mean, we don't spend time together throughout the week and don't text or call each other like other couples would do... And I really took time to dissect this.  For all of maybe 4 minutes, because I could immediately think of countless reasons why it was definitely not the idea and was, in fact, the person.  This is exactly the way it's supposed to be.  I think that's why I always had such a hard time imagining it, I'd never seen anything so healthy, simple, perfect as this.  But, by god, I know it when I see it!

I think what's got me wigging out is the thought of him meeting the girls.  Until I get moved in to my own place and things settle down, I feel so powerless.  I feel out of control of so many things until I get it all tacked back down.  To do something like this, such an important step for me, when I'm in such a state of mind, I'm afraid I won't be able to enjoy it.  And what if something goes wrong?  I'm not in the best shape to deal with it because I'm already nervous, and if I'm already nervous and everything else around me is not reliable... it's a quickly compounding problem.  I'm afraid is all.  But when I sit here and actually think about it, I feel silly for that, too.   I'm so proud of my children, and in love with being a mom.  They come before everyone, this should have happened sooner.  It will go just fine, no matter what happens.  The two loves of my life meeting, that can't be a bad thing, right?  We'll see!